Be Mine: Practicing Self-Compassion on Valentine's Day

By Kate Bennett, PsyD

It is hard to deny the imminence of Valentine’s Day when grocery stores overflow with reminders. From pink frosted cupcakes to red heart-shaped boxes of candy to balloons and decorations, displays shout that February 14 is only days away. In my experience, people tend to have a love/hate relationship with the holiday. If they are in a relationship, people tend to enjoy a special day with their partner. For others, the holiday reminds them of the loneliness or longing in their hearts.

Regardless of your relationship status, I challenge you to celebrate Valentine’s Day with yourself: To spend the day or week intentionally practicing self-compassion.  According to Kristin Neff, PhD, self-compassion is composed of three elements:

Self-kindness Understanding and accepting oneself in the midst of failure or inadequacy; responding to oneself with warmth and empathy regardless of circumstance; practicing gentleness instead of self-criticism during difficult moments

Common humanity Recognizing that all humans make mistakes and suffer; accepting that personal inadequacy is part of the human condition

Mindfulness Receiving thoughts and emotions non-judgmentally; observing and responding with intention rather than reacting out of fear

If you prefer a simpler definition: Jen Louden described self-compassion as “dropping self-judgment” every time you notice it.

Dr. Neff’s research revealed an underlying fear of self-indulgence growing out of self-compassion. However, in her New York Times interview, Dr. Neff stated that self-compassion contributes to motivation, noting that “if you care about yourself, you do what’s healthy for you rather then what’s harmful to you.”

Next time your eye catches the pink and red display, think to yourself: How can I practice self-compassion today? If you are having a pretty good day and acceptance is easy, take a moment to express gratitude towards yourself. What about your mind, body, spirit, or personality are you grateful for? Learn to love yourself from the inside out, which will allow your connections with others to grow stronger in return.

If you are curious about how your self-compassion ranks, take Dr. Neff’s self-compassion assessment.

Thrive into the Weekend (2.7.14)

By Kate Bennett, PsyD

[Thrive into the Weekend: A blog series designed to empower athletes to thrive in life and sport by encouraging intentional and mindful actions]

Mindfulness appears to be the buzz word this week. I read about it daily whether the author wrote about the Super Bowl, the Olympics, business, or sport psychology. Given the trending of mindfulness across disciplines and events, it seems natural to focus on intentionally practicing the mental skill this weekend.

On Monday, I encouraged you to practice mindfulness for a few minutes by attending to internal or external stimuli. Build on that foundation this weekend. Choose an activity to mindfully attend to. For example, most people are on autopilot when they wash dishes. Rather than replay the past or plan for the future during a routine activity, ground yourself in the moment and consciously attend to the activity itself. What does the dish soap smell like? Is the water warm or cool? Do you notice tension in your body as you stand by the sink? If dishes are not a regular part of your day, select another activity such as brushing your teeth, taking a shower, or eating breakfast. As you master mindfulness during one activity, select another activity to attend to. Remember, mindfulness is a non-judgmental practice. If you notice your mind wandering, simply bring it back to the present moment. There is no good or bad, right or wrong. Thrive into the weekend by reconnecting with a routine activity.

Mind Over Matter: The Skill of Mindfulness

By Kate Bennett, PsyD

Last week, I spent time at a team camp in Tucson. And, for the very first time in the history of my trips to Tucson, I drove up Mt. Lemmon. Over the past several years, I pedaled up the mountain countless times focusing on power output or coaching athletes. This time, I sat in a car and took in Mt. Lemmon as an observer. It was my first mindful experience of the road.

As I navigated the mountain, I reveled in the natural beauty glowing during the sunset as well as braced myself for moments of squinting into the sun’s glare as I rounded a bend not knowing what would come next. The drive was a grind, just like life. It was filled with moments of peace and pleasure that were frequently offset by the setting sun and unfamiliar road. As I prepared myself for the next blinding glare, I took a deep breath and practiced mindfulness. Likewise, as I entered into the shade, I took a deep breath and reminded myself to enjoy the natural beauty of the mountain landscape.

During the drive I realized one thing: I frequently reference mindfulness but I have yet to actually discuss the skill on my blog. Today is the day. Let’s take a moment to conceptualize mindfulness as a skill.

What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is a common term with a simple definition: Awareness of the present moment or deliberate attention in the present moment. It is the opposite of autopilot (completing routine tasks without conscious recollection). When people refer to “grounding,” they refer to the idea of mindfully connecting with that very moment instead of worrying about the past or future. Mindfulness is attending to the stimuli right in front of you rather then analyzing, criticizing, planning, or daydreaming.

Skill. While mindfulness is a seemingly simple concept, it is often a difficult skill to practice: It requires developing a part of your brain that has yet to be “exercised” (unless you were influenced by mindfulness earlier in life). Like strengthening a muscle or acquiring a new technique, mindfulness requires conscious attention. Similar to the hard work you put in to excel as an athlete physically, you need to intentionally practice the skill to develop a mindful brain and derive benefit.

Acceptance. One of the key components of mindfulness is a non-judgmental stance. When you are mindfully engaged, there is no good or bad, right or wrong, should or should not. Acceptance does not equate to approval (you can accept an outcome without approving of it) but it does mean letting go of judgment.

Present awareness + acceptance. Rather than get stuck on a mistake or outcome, you move onto the next moment in time. The past provides feedback on how to modify or change, it is not meant to linger on. Identify the important data from an experience and then ground yourself. Let go of judgment, allow uncertainty about the future to flow through, and settle into the present moment.

Practice. The development of mindfulness as a skill requires intentional practice of deliberate attention. Start with a realistic expectation of a few minutes and identify a stimulus to observe:

Breath: Observe your breath as you inhale and exhale, notice your chest rise and fall

Bodily Sensation: Observe your body, notice areas of tightness or relaxation, areas of warmth, and sensations of tingling

Sensory: Observe the environment by connecting with your five sensations (sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell)

Emotion: Observe your emotions in the moment

As you practice mindfulness, you will most likely notice your mind wander off. That is okay. Simply take note of your wandering mind and ground yourself by observing one of the stimuli described above. In the early stages of mindfulness, it is common to notice your mind wandering more than observing. Accept your wandering mind non-judgmentally and ground yourself back in the moment.

Over time, as you develop skill and discipline, you will notice your improved ability to remain mindful for longer periods of time as well as a new ability to practice mindfulness during stressful periods. The result: Improved health, performances, life satisfaction, relationships, and sleep to name a few benefits.

When was the last time you sat in a car and observed your surroundings instead of reviewing mental checklists, texting at stoplights, checking your email, or having a conversation with [insert name] in your head?